ON BEING CONFIDENT

Hey Kelly I’ve followed you for a while on social media and I’ve always admired you for how confident you are. I just want to know your thoughts on how to work on being so confident.

-Courtnee

Wow, thank you Courtnee!!

People often ask me about confidence: how to obtain it, fake it, and why I seem to have an endless reserve. I won’t deny that I’m confident. I won’t deny that I often feel good about myself, that I'm proud of my accomplishments, and that I'm satisfied with the person I am. I do need to mention that it takes work, and doesn’t always come naturally.

Confidence typically comes from both the inside and the outside. Outer confidence is built from things like personal success at school or work. Accomplishments that make you proud and self-assured of your skill set. Contributing to your community is another way to build outer confidence. Be that a physical or online community, this gives you the confidence via being part of something greater than yourself. Another form of outer confidence is self care. For instance, doing things like pampering yourself, dressing nicely and making sure you’re fit and healthy. Outer confidence is the most easily seen by others.

Outer confidence what is often meant by the phrase, “fake it till you make it.” In that by adopting the physical manifestations of confidence (head held high, back straight, direct eye contact, etc.) you fool yourself into actually feeling more confident. It’s also what’s meant by “look good, feel good.” People with only outer confidence can often be deeply insecure but unwilling to admit it to themselves, or others. They find any sort of criticism excruciatingly painful and usually try to befriend everyone because the thought of someone not liking them drives them insane.

Inner confidence forces us to go deeper. It requires true self reflection and acceptance. Inner confidence is born from the glow at the heart of your being. We all have it. We are all here, alive on this glorious planet, breathing and with blood flowing. We are incredible just to have made it here, to this day. That life force, that eternal spark within you, tapping into that is what drives inner confidence. To ability to gaze at yourself from every angle, to uncover every part of yourself  until there is nothing left unknown, venturing into the darkest depths of your soul and emerging full of wisdom and power – that will breed inner confidence. This is what I call true confidence, and individuals that possess this can immediately tell if others do as well. There is a certain way someone that has fully explored themselves and accepted the most challenging parts of their being carries themselves. Sometimes the impression they leave on others is dumbfounding, "I just don't know what it is about them." I'll tell you what it is, It's inner confidence, Trust it is quite rare..

By knowing yourself deeply, intimately and without fear you begin to gain a solid sense of self. It’s not that through this process you emerge and instantly believe I am the best fucking thing #bye. This process doesn’t fuel the ego, if anything it depletes it. In order to achieve actual self love, you must banish your ego. It grounds you in your you-ness. It strengthens the roots of your being so that you may go forth with certainty. It is accepting that you are imperfect; it is loving all of those imperfections. It is saying no to others and not feeling guilty, it is looking in the mirror and loving what you see every time. It is accepting that others may not like you and actually being okay with it because you love yourself enough to know it's more about them then you.

Know this ladies: Society is stacked against the Confident Female. Society does not know what to do with a Confident Female. In fact, society is constructed to make all females feel bad about themselves. Buy this make up, don't wear make up you're more beautiful without it, work out you're getting chubby, stop working out so much you're obsessed with your appearance, buy heels you are too short, don't wear heels you are too tall and god forbid you be taller than your man! 

New York based artist Caroline Caldwell (@dirt_worship) wrote:

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.

 And it is. It really fucking is. We are so used to young women being riddled with self-doubt. Often when we meet someone young, female and actually self-assured we are quick to label her: Egotistical, self-obsessed, narcissistic, selfish, self-involved, and my favorite of all "bitchy." We scare women away from obtaining inner confidence.

People throughout my life have called all those names. Here is where I must warn you of: The Curse-Of-The-Confident. Be weary, young free one, of how uncomfortable you will make people once you are armed with confidence. You will be shocked at how people, yes I mean your friends and family, turn against you. As if loving yourself is an betrayal against them. People do not like to know that they cannot shatter you. They do not like to know that they hold no true power over you. 

The only cure to all this madness; is too dream, far and wide, if possibility doesn't knock, create a damn door. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't make it. If the journey your traveling seems too far fetched and wild beyond your imagination; continue it, great things come to the risk takers. Risk takers possess the inner confidence. And last but not least, live today; here, right now, you'll thank your future self for it later.

XOXO

ON HAVING GOOD SEX (choke me)

Why can’t women just have good sex? – Anonymous

I think there is a disconnect between what women think they want and what women actually want. Girlfriends of mine in their late 30s or 40s claim that they are looking for nothing more than an honest, kind, smart guy to sleep with. ? Surprised ? You shouldn't be. Most women in New York echo this sentiment, 

Men are draining. I only want open relationships. I don’t need more than that.

It seems to me that after decades of trying to find, keep and please men, women between the ages of 35 and 40 finally begin start pleasing the one person who really matters: Themselves. Does this have something to do with the fact that women hit their sexual peak in the early-mid thirties, much later than their male counterparts. 

What if we had sex like gay men? A friend asked me recently, “What if we spend the rest of our twenties just having good sex?

What if?! What if we didn’t try for relationships until we knew more about ourselves? Until we knew more about who we are? What if we just had good sex?

I find that most 20-somethings don’t have good sex 85% of the time. Men AND women. Guys are  often mimicking what they see in porn and girls are  more focused on LOOKING sexy than FEELING good. Are we even enjoying this? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had amazing sex in my life, but you have to admit that for women, it's different.

Most guys can get off every time they have sex. Like pizza, some sex is better than others but all of is good. The male equipment is  simple to master, being an external organ and all that. Women on the other hand, are profoundly more complicated. Mentally women have to be accepting of themselves and have the ability to entirely "let go." The patriarchal society we live in often makes for the sex we have to be entirely male centered, #AllAboutHim #OverIt

For the record, I’ve never orgasmed from actual sex, unless other stimulation was occurring! In fact it wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I get off every time, .. This ish is HARD to find as a female! But it shouldn't be. Women have yet to be recognized as sexual beings with entities, desires or control, don't believe me? Just look at the current political climate of the U.S.

What most women do in bed is a reflection of what women do in life and most of the time it falls in the overplayed and outdated, “Please a man, impress a man” narrative. Time to AXE that. PLEASE yourself, IMPRESS yourself. CHOOSE yourself.

When is the last time you had really, really great sex? As in toe curling, screaming, not he  ALMOST got you off and then he did this weird thing but it turned out OK.. No no no, please, tell me.. I’m dying to know. Admittedly, I am starting to lose faith in the mojo of millennials..

I do wonder what would happen if women in their 20s (put ya hands up!) started focusing on themselves, putting themselves first, and started belonging to no one but themselves. If young women started looking for good sex instead of trying to form a meaningful relationship every, single, time. What would this do for our gender? OR FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD?! Imagine that. A world where young women demand better sex from men. A more sexually pleased generation of young women. 

I think I may have just found the solution for World Peace ;) Alert the U.N.!

ON WHETHER LOVE IS ENOUGH

"Do you think love is enough to make a relationship work? If two people are madly in love with each other and want to be together, is that enough? Even if they’re incompatible in a lot of ways and have really different thought processes about almost everything… I’m having a think about my relationship and deciding what I want for my future. You seem to have it SO together." - Isabella, Vancouver Canada

Oh wow, Isabella where do I begin?

Firstly I certainly do not have it all together. Not even close! I have spent an extraordinary amount of time with your very same question, and every time I find myself asking the question is love enough? I come to the same conclusion: it’s not.

People that enter arranged marriages are drastically less likely to divorce. It is worth noting that there are cultural elements at play in that statistic. The divorce rate here in U.S. has risen steadily over the last 50 years and continues to do so. The idea of "romantic" became prevalent in our parents generation, the reasons for that alone would require another post. The point is, as recently as our grandparents generation people would marry based on terms of friendship and monetary security (especially for women,) it was never about falling madly in love. Prior to the industrial revolution, marriage was used to keep wealth between two families and to disavow any illegitimate children. Now it's all, I am so in love! Bring on the fairys and unicorns! Easy now, romantic love is by far the most easily changed of all feelings. To say it's fleeting would be an understatement, and most often when two individuals are incompatible at their core it is extremely challenging to make work..As it seems like you yourself are noticing.

I can say from my own experience whenever I have been madly in love with partners to the point of being completely obsessed with each other.. you know the ones with the intense sexual chemistry? It doesn't last. You cannot build a relationship, or a life on a "feeling," or even an orgasm. As much as it pains me to say, you need more. You must have more similar than differing worldviews and I think it's total bullsh*t when people say "opposites attract." We are humans, we are not polarized magnets. I am in no way saying that any relationship will ever be "perfect," but I think you need more than just intense/overwhelming/out-of-this-world-feelings. Whatever that "more" is, is as unique as you are. Men and women fall in love with the wrong people everyday, they also fall out of it. This is a beautiful thing please realize not every relationship is meant to last forever. In fact, most of them are not and therefore the point is to learn from and enjoy them while they are here. Taking that perspective has helped me in my own loves, that and if you take the time to look deeply into your heart I am sure you will find all the answers are already there...

ON BEING ALONE

Can you talk about solitude. How much time do you spend alone? What made you realize that it’s important to know how to walk alone? To fight battles alone in life?– Anonymous

I write this from my New York apartment, in the midst of the 2016 election day hiding from all the chaos; currently alone.

Recently I have been alone a lot. Living alone, eating alone, wandering through the streets of New York (and 6 countries over the summer) alone. I wake up alone, go to sleep alone, decorate my apartment alone. Despite living in a city populated by millions it is actually quite easy to feel entirely alone. But alone does not mean lonely. At least not always.

Growing up, I lived in a house with my sibling and parents, but emotionally all three were very absent. I was never alone but I always felt alone. The house was akin to a museum, impeccably spotless. Most people that visited were aghast to learn 4 people lived there. Not a loud bustling household by any means. We never ate dinner together. Ships in the night. I began creating many alternate realities to live in. I began drawing, writing constantly (mostly on my furniture and walls!) I read a lot. Yet nothing made the loneliness dissipate. As I grew older I began leaning toward destructive patterns to alleviate the pain. During my teen years I spent as much time as possible surrounded by others, always in a crowd. I never realized how much I actually enjoyed being alone. The house I grew up in felt dead. Like a tomb, or a prison with pretty walls. There was no life there. Constantly being around others was a way for me to never feel the loneliness I so often felt.  

Yet as I grew older and  financially independent, I began to realize that time alone is essential. At 23, I encountered my first night in my own apartment. I was scared. I noticed that repressed thoughts flooded each time I was in my own company. At first it was frightening, and I often avoided it. At the time I was unused to digesting what I had experienced. Yet the more time I spent alone, the more I began to thoroughly enjoy it. Everyone has always labeled me an extrovert, but I am truly more of an ambivert. I am outgoing when around others, but I require a substantial amount of alone time to recharge and reflect.

Being alone aids in the understanding of ourselves. I’m weary of those who can’t be alone. I used to be one of them. It seems to me they are turbulent on the inside. Unsettled, unresolved. I think they must not like themselves too much. Who you are shouldn’t frighten you. For me, being alone is like coming home. A return of sorts. In the words of mathematician Blaise Pascal, “All man’s miseries come from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” I’m assuming the same goes for women.

Traveling to Morocco, Portugal, Czech Republic, Turkey and Russia alone was significantly challenging. These countries housed individuals that were self conscious of their English, and even if they did know my tongue, they didn't speak it willingly. Oh, and I also don’t speak a lick of French, Arabic, Portuguese, Czech, Turkish or Russian. Here was I again, surrounded by millions of people, but again alone.

We are always alone. I’d say I came to that realization over the last 3 years. The love from friends and family is unmatchable, but at the end of the day it’s you and you. You’re all you’ve really got. Eventually everyone has to go home, everyone has to hang up the phone and you are left with yourself. In the words of Orson Welles, “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” But it is only an illusion. Beneath the illusion, we are in fact alone.

Both of my parents are alone. Despite being married, the only way I can describe their relationship is cold. They require lots of time alone. They often travel without the other and essentially live separate lives. Perhaps it’s genetic? But maybe not. You can take  The Myers Briggs personality assessment to learn which you are. Although, you likely already know. Not surprisingly Myers-Briggs is a binary, labeling me an extrovert. Like sexuality, it’s not that simple. People are too fluid to be either or, like sexuality it is very much a spectrum. Truly, I am more of an ambivert because the following things are true about me:

“ – During conversations I know when to be quiet and when to talk, and I do both relatively easily

– I am emotionally stable during a concert, a yoga session and everything in between

– Spending too much time with other people can be exhausting

– I can often go out and have hours of fun being the life of the party, but suddenly find that my energy as dropped, and all I really want to do is go home

– Small talk is something that annoys me, because while I can do it, there are instances where it feels a bit insincere”

If you agree with these statements, you might be an ambivert too.

While being abroad for 2 months this summer I felt something I do not often feel in New York. I felt the deep, primal need to connect with others. A tug, or a thirst. A hunger. And it was magnified, or perhaps evident at all, because of how difficult it was to speak with people. I naively assumed the solitude of travel in a foreign place would be refreshing, and it was, but after the first month I was exhausted from not being understood. I began to miss my country, and mostly people that spoke English. I missed being touched.

Perhaps I have gotten too good at being alone. It is too comfortable, too essential. So as important as it is to be alone I would say to you that what you gain from solitude should only then enhance your relationships with others. By being alone we gain a depth of understanding and compassion for ourselves – what is that worth unless it blossoms into a depth of understanding and compassion for others? Because, in the words of John Joseph Powell, “It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until is has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”