Hey Kelly I’ve followed you for a while on social media and I’ve always admired you for how confident you are. I just want to know your thoughts on how to work on being so confident.

-Courtnee

Wow, thank you Courtnee!!

People often ask me about confidence: how to obtain it, fake it, and why I seem to have an endless reserve. I won’t deny that I’m confident. I won’t deny that I often feel good about myself, that I'm proud of my accomplishments, and that I'm satisfied with the person I am. I do need to mention that it takes work, and doesn’t always come naturally.

Confidence typically comes from both the inside and the outside. Outer confidence is built from things like personal success at school or work. Accomplishments that make you proud and self-assured of your skill set. Contributing to your community is another way to build outer confidence. Be that a physical or online community, this gives you the confidence via being part of something greater than yourself. Another form of outer confidence is self care. For instance, doing things like pampering yourself, dressing nicely and making sure you’re fit and healthy. Outer confidence is the most easily seen by others.

Outer confidence what is often meant by the phrase, “fake it till you make it.” In that by adopting the physical manifestations of confidence (head held high, back straight, direct eye contact, etc.) you fool yourself into actually feeling more confident. It’s also what’s meant by “look good, feel good.” People with only outer confidence can often be deeply insecure but unwilling to admit it to themselves, or others. They find any sort of criticism excruciatingly painful and usually try to befriend everyone because the thought of someone not liking them drives them insane.

Inner confidence forces us to go deeper. It requires true self reflection and acceptance. Inner confidence is born from the glow at the heart of your being. We all have it. We are all here, alive on this glorious planet, breathing and with blood flowing. We are incredible just to have made it here, to this day. That life force, that eternal spark within you, tapping into that is what drives inner confidence. To ability to gaze at yourself from every angle, to uncover every part of yourself until there is nothing left unknown, venturing into the darkest depths of your soul and emerging full of wisdom and power – that will breed inner confidence. This is what I call true confidence, and individuals that possess this can immediately tell if others do as well. There is a certain way someone that has fully explored themselves and accepted the most challenging parts of their being carries themselves. Sometimes the impression they leave on others is dumbfounding, "I just don't know what it is about them." I'll tell you what it is, It's inner confidence, Trust it is quite rare..

By knowing yourself deeply, intimately and without fear you begin to gain a solid sense of self. It’s not that through this process you emerge and instantly believe I am the best fucking thing #bye. This process doesn’t fuel the ego, if anything it depletes it. In order to achieve actual self love, you must banish your ego. It grounds you in your you-ness. It strengthens the roots of your being so that you may go forth with certainty. It is accepting that you are imperfect; it is loving all of those imperfections. It is saying no to others and not feeling guilty, it is looking in the mirror and loving what you see every time. It is accepting that others may not like you and actually being okay with it because you love yourself enough to know it's more about them then you.

Know this ladies: Society is stacked against the Confident Female. Society does not know what to do with a Confident Female. In fact, society is constructed to make all females feel bad about themselves. Buy this make up, don't wear make up you're more beautiful without it, work out you're getting chubby, stop working out so much you're obsessed with your appearance, buy heels you are too short, don't wear heels you are too tall and god forbid you be taller than your man!

New York based artist Caroline Caldwell (@dirt_worship) wrote:

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.

And it is. It really fucking is. We are so used to young women being riddled with self-doubt. Often when we meet someone young, female and actually self-assured we are quick to label her: Egotistical, self-obsessed, narcissistic, selfish, self-involved, and my favorite of all "bitchy." We scare women away from obtaining inner confidence.

People throughout my life have called all those names. Here is where I must warn you of: The Curse-Of-The-Confident. Be weary, young free one, of how uncomfortable you will make people once you are armed with confidence. You will be shocked at how people, yes I mean your friends and family, turn against you. As if loving yourself is an betrayal against them. People do not like to know that they cannot shatter you. They do not like to know that they hold no true power over you.

The only cure to all this madness; is too dream, far and wide, if possibility doesn't knock, create a damn door. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't make it. If the journey your traveling seems too far fetched and wild beyond your imagination; continue it, great things come to the risk takers. Risk takers possess the inner confidence. And last but not least, live today; here, right now, you'll thank your future self for it later.

XOXO

Why can’t women just have good sex? – Anonymous

I think there is a disconnect between what women think they want and what women actually want. Girlfriends of mine in their late 30s or 40s claim that they are looking for nothing more than an honest, kind, smart guy to sleep with. ? Surprised ? You shouldn't be. Most women in New York echo this sentiment,

Men are draining. I only want open relationships. I don’t need more than that.

It seems to me that after decades of trying to find, keep and please men, women between the ages of 35 and 40 finally begin start pleasing the one person who really matters: Themselves. Does this have something to do with the fact that women hit their sexual peak in the early-mid thirties, much later than their male counterparts.

What if we had sex like gay men? A friend asked me recently, “What if we spend the rest of our twenties just having good sex?

What if?! What if we didn’t try for relationships until we knew more about ourselves? Until we knew more about who we are? What if we just had good sex?

I find that most 20-somethings don’t have good sex 85% of the time. Men AND women. Guys are often mimicking what they see in porn and girls are more focused on LOOKING sexy than FEELING good. Are we even enjoying this? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had amazing sex in my life, but you have to admit that for women, it's different.

Most guys can get off every time they have sex. Like pizza, some sex is better than others but all of is good. The male equipment is simple to master, being an external organ and all that. Women on the other hand, are profoundly more complicated. Mentally women have to be accepting of themselves and have the ability to entirely "let go." The patriarchal society we live in often makes for the sex we have to be entirely male centered, #AllAboutHim #OverIt

For the record, I’ve never orgasmed from actual sex, unless other stimulation was occurring! In fact it wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I get off every time, .. This ish is HARD to find as a female! But it shouldn't be. Women have yet to be recognized as sexual beings with entities, desires or control, don't believe me? Just look at the current political climate of the U.S.

What most women do in bed is a reflection of what women do in life and most of the time it falls in the overplayed and outdated, “Please a man, impress a man” narrative. Time to AXE that. PLEASE yourself, IMPRESS yourself. CHOOSE yourself.

When is the last time you had really, really great sex? As in toe curling, screaming, not he ALMOST got you off and then he did this weird thing but it turned out OK.. No no no, please, tell me.. I’m dying to know. Admittedly, I am starting to lose faith in the mojo of millennials..

I do wonder what would happen if women in their 20s (put ya hands up!) started focusing on themselves, putting themselves first, and started belonging to no one but themselves. If young women started looking for good sex instead of trying to form a meaningful relationship every, single, time. What would this do for our gender? OR FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD?! Imagine that. A world where young women demand better sex from men. A more sexually pleased generation of young women.

I think I may have just found the solution for World Peace ;) Alert the U.N.!